Get Insied Her Head
by bloodtype.espresso
Summary: MGFinished Miranda's absence, her eating disorder and her relationship with Gorodo, all through her eyes


Disclaimer: I own nothing you all know this. Though the idea, and the Superman thing are.

Summery: Just my attempt to get into Miranda's head. Her being gone what happened there, her eating disorder, and her relationship with Gordo.

Quick A/N: Okay this isn't really beta'd I tried but I'm a pretty bad beta-er. You see I um kinda lost contact with my beta, cuz I'm a loser and didn't write to him for a while, cuz I had school, then other junk came up, and by the time I figured it out um…A LOT of time went by, any ways I felt stupid all of a sudden being all "Hay, will you beta this?" yeah, I wouldn't like me either so yeah, bear with me… you see a mistake and I'll try to correct it.

BTW I busted this out in a little coffee shop, and just now typed it all out, and I couldn't figure out where the chapters would go so I left it as one long thing.

Okay this is my attempt to document my life. It's not too easy considering I'm already in my mid twenties, but oh well blame Gordo. If he hadn't gotten me into the Rat pack to begin with I wouldn't have seen so many old movies then started reading biographies and auto biographies on the actors and or directors. But that's more recent, let's go back a few years.

I was born in Mexico while my parents were visiting relatives, but since they are both born in the U.S. I have dual citizenship. I lived in a small city in Texas (really small!) for about three years then we moved to Hillridge, CA.

My parents are Daniela and Eduardo Sanchez by the way; okay I should have said that sooner but I'm new at this! Okay well I've always been a, how should I put this…weird? Yeah that's it, weird kid, so naturally when my mom took me to the park soon after we moved there I decided that by tying my jacket around my neck and swinging really high on the swing set I could fly if I only propelled my self by jumping off at the highest point (I had a "healthy" fascination with superman…still do). Luckily the swings were those tiny ones for little kids, but I still managed to get smacked as I landed right on top of the cutest little boy any one has ever seen! His name, David Zafire Gordon, and that's how he introduced himself actually standing proud with his full three and a half years displayed.

He was about my height, pale with huge blue eyes, with big black curls that always seemed to be in his face. Even then Gordo as I chose to call him was too smart for his own good, and the suit he wore didn't do much to conceal that…his parents are shrinks. Soon after he introduced himself came his at the time, girl friend, I don't think they knew what that meant at the time but boy was she jealous.

Dressed in a frilly pink dress with a matching bow and completing the Shirley Temple look with blond ringlets, Katy Sanders was mad as could be, she walked up there threatening to tell my mommy and everything. Right behind her was another blond though much more timid looking with big brown eyes.

After our primary introductions we became fast friends, Katy and Gordo broke up a little after when she started perusing Ethan Craft, but our friendship's never suffered because of it, besides Gordo's occasional girl talk over load. We were inseparable, and we went every where together. When wee played it was often the 'Koowl Kats' vs. the 'Blonds', Gordo and I got to choose the names though I chose our spelling. We even made team shirts which we made, ours had stick figure cats on an ice cube, and they had self portraits they drew on each of theirs. We also had 'Best friend' shirts, they were laid out like shirts for a sports team, on the front they said 'Best friends' while on the back they had our respective nick-names Gordo, Lizzie, Katy, Randy. Yes we were bored youths, but we loved it.

Lizzie and I grew closer as friends the summer before Middle school, when Katy or Kate as she was now called went off to cheer camp. Gordo remained my closest guy friend, but when we got to Middle school Kate had changed and became our sworn enemy with her popularity at an all time high.

It was around this point when Gordo's attraction to Lizzie became painfully obvious. Lizzie had liked Gordo during elementary but, nothing ever came of it. Lizzie being well blond (no offence, but you know what I mean) was totally oblivious to the whole thing, so Gordo was left to suffer through her obsession with Ethan Craft, Aaron Carter, and even her first boy friend Ronnie.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not blaming Lizzie, she's a ditz not a bad person. Well it took about two days for Ronnie to break Lizzie's heart telling her she was just a rebound and Gordo we left as always to pick up the pieces.

Now in the midst of all this I had some stuff of my own going on, I suffered a stress related eating-disorder, as most are stress related. Gordo and Lizzie helped me through this as best they could and I'm still to this point grateful. When Lizzie started going out with Ronnie she talked of him incessantly as can be expected but what she didn't know was that I was still on the brink emotionally. Sure I ate so as not to tip any one off but what went in came out the same way. Now being sensitive, and selfish I commented on her obsession and as I'd have done in her shoes she lashed out at me, verbally I mean, but boy was the pain real, as real as any blow could have ever been. I ran out of there as fast as I could, vowing not to cry, not there in front of her, not in front of anybody. I went to the only pace I could think of where no one would find me, where I'd first met Gordo, or should I say squished Gordo. I sat there rocking, on the tiny swing I'd jumped out of what then felt like an eternity ago, thankful for the deserted park. I closed my eyes and rocked faster and faster trying to contain the emotion threatening to push forth the tears. Suddenly I felt the swing come to a halt, as strong hands covered each of mine on there post on the chains. Startled I whipped my head around to find Gordo looking down at me.

"I called you and you're mom said you were at Lizzie's then when I called her she said you were being a pain about not having a boy friend" he said this part with a raised eyebrow, " so I thought I'd try some damage control." He said before I could question him. I was full of questions but when I tried to voice any of them, I broke down in sobs covering my face with my hands and facing the ground. I expected the don't-be-such-a-baby speech, or maybe the no-big-deal speech about how I was just feeding into the media's standards for life, but they never came. He went around the swing then knelt in front of me engulfing me in a hug and letting me cry into his chest. I don't know how long I cried, but the whole time he held me silently except for the occasional 'its okay' or 'there, shhh'. Once I was all cried out and couldn't possibly cry any more, I told him about everything, the argument, why it hurt so much, why it started, my condition, and how stupid I felt.

Lizzie and I were on good terms soon enough, but Gordo never told any one about our day at the park, not even Lizzie. It was just between us, Gordo and I. He referred me to his mom, and she and my parent's decided it would be best if I went to stay with my grandmother in Mexico for the summer.

My grand mother was old and needed company, as far as everyone was concerned this was the only reason why I was going. My excuse for getting out of school early was that my grandmother really needed me to help run the business which I did. I wrote to both Lizzie and Gordo periodically, but by becoming pan palls Gordo and I grew closer as friends, I guess the fact that he was the only one who knew the truth helped. He was always concerned as I'm sure Lizzie would have been, but the fact that he was the one I shared it with made our friendship stronger.

Dear Gordo,

I just got here and every thing seems okay it's just Abuela and me so it should be cool, but I hope I can do this. As you know I had this problem before how can I be sure I'll beat this? What if I get fat by the time I get over there? What if no one remembers me? Oh I wish you were here…I miss you; oh Abuela wants my help so I've got to go, bye.

Love 'Ya

Miranda

Hey Lizzie,

Hey! I just got here I miss you already; you are soo lucky you get to go to Rome! Tell me everything!

Love 'Ya

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

I just got your letter, glad to know you made it okay. No one will forget you; trust me being squished leaves a lasting impression. Now what's this about getting fat? Miranda this isn't about your weight, but if it concerns you so much let me be the first to say you'll always look great. I'm sure you'll do great, just stick with it and forget about junk over here. You know you can always write to me if you need anything okay? Well I'll leave you here, I miss you too, and I'll take loads of video just for you okay? Take care, bye.

Much Love,

Gordo

Dear Miranda,

Hey! Oh my gosh I wish you were coming. I think Gordo likes me! Weird I know, can you believe it? Me either! Any ways, I can't wait to go shopping! I'm sure Gordo will take video you know him, well we leave soon so I have to pack bye!

Best friends4ever

Lizzie

P.S. I won't be able to talk 2 you until we get back so good luck and I miss you!

Randy,

Hey just got word we're heading out tomorrow good thing I packed like a week ago. How've you been? I haven't gotten a response yet so I'll take no news as good news for now. I've heard how hard that can be; I wish I could do more. Is there any wish you want me to make at the fountain for you? I know what I'm wishing for, maybe I'll tell you some day just remind me once you're back if Lizzie isn't around. Well I'll let you go and I'll try to keep in touch with my laptop, just send me a conformation e-mail if you have the net over there, if not I'll snail mail you even if you don't have an address for Rome you can send stuff to my house and I'll read it as soon as I get home. Well take care and stay with it.

Much Love,

Gordo

From: Mis4Meow kwoolKats . com

To:I'mnotFat kwoolKats . com

Hey Gordo I just got hooked up today! My Abuela decided that she needed e-mail for her shop. 'Now about those three wishes…' Sorry I had to! But honestly, I just wish ya'll have a great time.

I'm doing okay I feel yucky and I have problems keeping much down but I'm starting with soups and moving up to like Jell-O and stuff you know gradually. Sorry you probably didn't need to know about my upchuck reflexes did ya'? Oh well, some days are better than others but I'm getting there I hope. Oh! Did I ever thank you? Well I will now, thanks for everything Gordo, take care.

Love Always

Miranda

From: I'mnotFat kwoolKats . com

To: Mis4Meow kwoolkats . com

Hey glad to hear from you! Don't worry, normally upchuck reflexes are an over-share but on you it works, plus I need to know this stuff so I know your progress right? Well let me give you a brief run through on stuff here. We have a crazy lady as a principal just so you know. I made your wish for you. I got Ethan as a roomy while Lizzie got Kate. Lizzie went off with some guy today I hope she knows what she's doing, I worry about her. Now that that's over with… Glad to know you're eating some thing, and I see how solids may pose a problem, but I'm sure you'll do great. Please continue to keep me posted. We're having a room check and I should be asleep, so bye, take care.

Much Love,

Gordo

While he was away Gordo's letters were short and sporadic while mine tended to be longer.

To: I'mnotFat kwoolkats . com

From: Mis4Meow kwoolKats . com

I've been helping Abuela At her shop, but today I couldn't even get out of bed. I feel like crap; I'm cold and sweaty and I'm so dizzy. My stomach hurts so bad, but I won't throw up! I can't, well I probably could but I won't. I'm typing to you not only because it keeps me busy but because I need someone to tell, when this is over with, I want someone on the inside, I need someone who'll know that I haven't always been okay, some one who knows that yes I'm a wreck, but hopefully also that I got through this.

Your mom told me that writing how I felt both emotionally and physically would help my recovery, she even suggested a journal, but I don't like writing to no one so I'm telling the one person I can…you. I know you may show this to your mom and that's okay I trust you. I don't expect a response just and ear; or eye…whatever, you get it.

My Abuela is great I love her and she's helped out a lot, but I still feel empty…or is it full? So much id in my head that o have trouble letting it out! At school; my grades just didn't seem good enough, I know I was doing okay but that wasn't enough I wanted to be good at something. Then I felt like Lizzie's shadow it's not her fault, but I did, I'm always Lizzie's friend or the girl with the smart boy, or the director guy, (no offence it's just an example). It's not because of you guys I just never found a really good thing for me. Lizzie has this 'no se que' that just makes you want to be around her and you're like the smartest guy in school, along with an awesome director. I was always the weird one and I thought I was okay with that but now I don't know; it hurts so much when people stare and criticize. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. Some times I feel like a fish in a bowl and there's this evil kid with a laser pointer making me smash my head into the glass until I can't possibly take it any more. But other times it's like I'm on top of the world and I could care less what any one else thought. I knew I wasn't fat when I got down to a size one, but I couldn't bring myself to eat, you know really eat. I t was all I could do to keep myself from going insane. I guess in a way I figured if people were going to stare then they'd have something good to look at, but it didn't work out like that. I got too thin at one point, and I hated…I still hate the way I look but I'm learning to deal with it. I know I shouldn't have blown up at Lizzie, over the Ronnie thing but, well I just figured she had every thing a boyfriend, popularity, a great guy in love with her, and above all she was happy, truly happy. Sorry to unload all of this on you, and I didn't even ask how you were doing! I hope you're having fun, Take care.

Love Always

Miranda

P.S. I miss you.

From: I'mnotfat kwoolKats . com

To: Mis4Meow kwoolKats . com

Hey it's been a while since I could get back to you. Don't wory about unloading on me. Though I had no idea you felt that way, you've never been a shadow to me. I hope you feel better now, keep writing as you need to, I'm reading everything it's just hard to write back with the crazy lady on my back.

I'm worried about Lizzie she keeps going off with this Paulo guy and people seem to think she's some lost pop star named Isabella? I know crazy…but whatever. Well I have to go; I'll keep you posted as much as I can. Bye.

Much Love,

Gordo

P.S. Don't worry, what's written between us stays between us. Take care I miss you too. And sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

To: I'mnotFat kwoolKats . com

From: Mis4Meow kwoolKats . com

Today was better than yesterday; I was able to eat some flan with out barfing. I still feel dizzy but not so bad, I guess this is a just a day to day thing. I feel so heavy…by the time I get back I'll be a blimp, but 'I should be comfortable with how I look and not try to change it.' That's the little voice inside my head, it sounds curiously like yours.

Have you ever looked in a mirror so long all you see are shapes? Not good or bad…just shapes. Well that's how I feel…like a shape. I'm starting to gain weight did I tell you that? I probably did, I'm not to self conscious here considering nobody really knows me but my grandmother.

I'm still freaking over how I'm going to explain my weight gain to people, even if I'm not 'fat' I'll no longer be skinny.

Oh, I don't know what I want any more!

Oh my gosh! How are things over there? I totally went off on my rant and forgot to ask! I bet you're having loads of fun with out me, huh? So what happened with Lizzie and that Paulo guy? Write when you can and I'll see you soon kay? I miss ya'll.

Love Always

Miranda

From: I'mnotFat kwoolKats . com

To: Mis4Meow kwoolKats .com

I'm glad you're eating something, and don't worry about your weight. It's all a stereo type any way, plus there is no way you could look bad, you know that. As for people asking about your weight it doesn't concern them, okay? Rome is okay and I'm bonding with Ethan…I know, but he's not a bad guy just dim, though we found out he's the smart one in the family. I'll be back soon, miss you too.

Much Love,

Gordo

P.S. Is my voice really in your head?

As the rest of the summer drowned on I got progressively better. Lizzie and Gordo returned from Rome and started dating. Lizzie went back to her regular life in Hillridge, with one small emendation; she and Kate were once again friends.

We corresponded all summer though with Lizzie oblivious to my condition conversation tended to lag. At first her letters were filled with Gordo. 'Gordo, Gordo, Gordo' and that was fine but soon they were filled with Kate and parties, while they still held Lizzie's ditzy charm, something was off.

Gordo and I wrote each other regularly, his letters always contained warmth and concern, but as the summer wore on comments about what a great girlfriend Lizzie would make became scarce.

Now this is my recollection of events so I'll give it to you straight, when I first heard that Lizzie and Gordo had hooked up I was, hurt? I don't even know what to call it, but I guess I was jealous of Lizzie taking Gordo, I knew they'd end up together but still. Then when they started having trouble I was torn, I just wanted them to be happy. I didn't want us to change; I didn't want their friendship affected! But it was, though it was for the better. They were friends, but that's it. With Gordo's 'mothering' me and sneaking into my head to be all Jiminy Cricket he had other priorities too.

By the time I was to return to Hillridge I was freaked, I'd gained weight…I was at a size six which is small but compared to a size zero…yeah. I'd reached a healthy weight and I even ate junk food with out barfing. But people would still talk…Lizzie would be shocked, she'd always loved how I was "Naturally thin" and Gordo…I just hoped he was on my side. He wouldn't be disgusted by me right?

I vigilantly stepped of the plane and made my way to the gate I immediately saw Lizzie's shocked face and Gordo's broad smile…'he wasn't laughing at me right?'

"Miranda! You look great!" Lizzie squealed then hugged me, "You were getting a bit thin." She giggled…same old Lizzie. I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding; she didn't think I was fat.

"Thanks, you look great too!" I replied smiling. Once we separated from our ecstatic 'hello's' I went to hug Gordo only to have him lift me then twirl me around just like in 'How to deal' only no kiss. When he put me down and hugged me he whispered "You look beautiful" in me ear. I almost cried right there in the middle of terminal twenty four. We had one week left until school started up again and I wanted to make the most of it, and we did; Kate and I didn't hit it off, but we didn't kill each other, plus she even complimented my weight, sure it was in her usual Kate like way, but even that couldn't faze me. Once school did start we got into our routines, we had a few classes together and some with only one or two of them. For lunch Gordo and I would meet and sit under our tree. For two of my four years in high school Gordo was the only one in my lunch period, and the other two, Kate and/or Lizzie would sit with the rest of the cheer leaders. Gordo used this time to make sure I was eating, though he always denied it claiming his only motive was to hang out with me. As the years went by Lizzie and Kate grew closer and so did Gordo and I. We all still got along, even Kate and I, and we all still hung out from time to time, but things had somehow shifted…it was kind of like we were the 'Kwool Kats' and 'The Blonds' all over again.

Once we reached our senior year it didn't take long for Lizzie to find a steady boy friend, and though Gordo seemed unaffected I realized I could never compete. Yes, I know 'bad Randy!' but I did, I fell in love with the one person who was totally and completely off limits…I fell for Gordo. Fell! So much for poised! Leave it to me to, stumble, crash, and then inevitably plummet in love… with Gordo!

Now you'd expect me to live happily ever after but I'm not so sure…I know I love Gordo and sure he cares about me, but does he love me? Oh man, and the one person I could even dream about going to with this is, well him, which I will 'not' do. How can I? Do I just go "Hey Gordo, by the way I'm in love with you, so lets go live happily ever after like in the movies!" Hello I was there for his break up with Lizzie, sure they're friends, but it's not like it was. And if he thinks it's too weird he could just stop hanging out with me and I might relapse then he wouldn't be there and I'd DIE! I don't want to die! Okay so he wouldn't do that but still, I couldn't tell him.

Now this is where my biography hit a bit of a snag, you see it'd been, well forever since I've loved Gordo, but not so long since I realized it, and I didn't know what to do! Then he came over for our movie night, we were up until who knows when then I started getting tired during 'I Robot' and I guess he could tell because he put his arm around my shoulders and brought me closer to him, I couldn't help but blush, so I could rest my head on his shoulder then he whispered "Go to sleep".

I'm pretty sure I zonked out after that, when I woke up Gordo was lying on the couch and I was brilliantly in his arms…ON TOP OF HIM! I almost had a heart attack, but then he woke up too. We didn't mention it though he did blush, 'Good one, make him feel uncomfortable'.

Oh crap…I'm the jealous type! Why me? He wasn't even my boyfriend, but I saw him with Kate and I snapped. Sure they're friends but jealousy doesn't listen to reason. They were talking under out tree and she giggled then he gave her a peck on the cheek, 'my' peck on the cheek. I think he saw me but I just stormed off in a fit. I didn't care, I just wanted to get out of there and I had the sudden urge to go blond!

Kate!?! Oh, why did it hurt so badly? 'Don't Cry! I can't cry, it's not…I just…no!'

'Why is he calling me? Can't he just let this go?'

I ran to my house and locked myself in my room, I wasn't sure if he'd been tailing me but I didn't want him to be. Oh, sure I did but I didn't want to deal with his rejection or worse, his pity right now.

"Miranda, open the door!" 'Oh crap!' that was Gordo banging my bedroom door down. "Miranda?" came his voice again slightly concerned and much more temperate. 'Great now he's worried' I could feel the tears threatening to spill forth. "Randy…please…let me in." came his voice only above a whisper now dripping with concern and longing.

Apprehensively I opened the door, but upon seeing his disheveled appearance I turned away covering my mouth to muffle my sobs. 'Why did I have to break down?'

I immediately felt his arms around me, I wanted to pull away but my body wouldn't listen to my mind. Instead I found myself turning to face him. "Shhh, its okay…" he soothed holding me protectively and stroking my hair. "Baby I'm sorry" Now this caught my attention but I couldn't stop crying, in fact it only made me cry harder.

I felt his grasp tighten, "I don't like Kate, I was trying to get her advice so I could talk to you…then I saw you and I realized what it must have looked like. Randy, we're a team you and I, right?" he said kissing the top of my head. All I could do was wrap my arms around his waist as I continued to cry, I'd been such an idiot! And he liked me!

Cut writing

"Randy?" he asked standing behind her chair.

"Huh?" she asked not taking her eyes off of her writing.

He snaked his arms around her waist, and rested his head on her shoulder, "What are you writing?"

"Oh, it's nothing… I think I'm done." She said turning to face him. "By the way, you never did tell me your wish, back in Rome." this got and impish grin from Gordo.

"Honestly?"in responce to her nod, "it was that I'd have a chance with you…Mrs. Gordon."

Fin

A/N: feed back is always appreciated, any feed back!


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